IVF Doesn’t Define You

But it does determine whether you get to be a mum, or not.

Fertility was the first time in life when I couldn’t really control things. I’d kind of learnt that trying harder & learning more would mean things worked out, at least most of the time. But that wasn’t the case with fertility. 

We decided that we’d egg share so that we could afford our first round of IVF. The pressure was massive, I needed it to work for us, but someone else’s hopes – or heartbreak – depended on my body too. The body that became alien to me with all of the drugs and treatment, hormones and procedures. 

IVF was all consuming. 

There seems no escape. You’re constantly surrounded, or so it seemed, by pregnant women. I worked in a female dominated environment anyway but in HR there was constantly someone coming in to share their happy news and hand in their Mat B1 form.

I used to hate seeing the ‘Baby on Board’ badges on the tube too. I wanted a seat, and a baby, as much as them.

It effected everything; all aspects of my life, my thoughts, my relationships. My brother called one time to say he knew it wasn’t necessarily what I wanted to hear but he wanted to be the one to tell me that they were expecting. I was happy for him but at the same time it was painful to see someone else reach the destination you were only able to dream about, especially at a point when you’re so exhausted from the journey.

And then there was the waiting.

And when it didn’t work. The shattered hopes, the devastation, the tears and the heartbreak and the having to pick ourselves up to try, again. 

I started seeing an Acupuncturist, she was also a midwife so specialised in fertility and was completely lovely. Part of it was that I could talk to her and she understood which was just as helpful as the actual treatment. She’d then tailor the session to how I was feeling – physically and emotionally. 

She was the one who asked “would you spend £15,000 on a car without doing any research?”. No, we wouldn’t. So we done our homework. We looked at Clinics, we met doctors and we read lots, like tonnes. Whether it was the change in clinic, knowing what we could expect or being more prepared emotionally that made the difference, we entered that next round feeling more positive. Maybe having choices in the process made us feel we had some say in the outcome. Not that that was actually the case. 

We were lucky.

Throughout my pregnancy I would say to any hospital staff, “this baby’s IVF you know”. They always seemed underwhelmed. It was like, a baby is a baby now that it’s there and growing. It was weird that IVF didn’t define me as a mum-to-be, it was so quickly forgotten. 

And then it didn’t define me when I became a mum either. I always looked out for the mums at baby groups and classes that seemed to have had their baby though IVF too, like we were in an exclusive club or something. It became less of a thing, IVF didn’t define me as a mum. But it did define whether I got to be a mum.