She Laughed That I’d Burn It

We spoke just yesterday. I’d been sorting through photos with Luce; we realised there’s a whole year missing from when I dropped my phone down the loo; there was one of just me and her dad and she laughed that I’d burn it. It’s not like that, it’s complicated, I don’t hate him, I loved him once. 

There was definitely a time when I did hate him, but I hated myself too. There was so much going on with me; how I felt about myself wasn’t so good. 

He’d obviously been trying to take a photo but accidentally took a video instead, it was only short but we watched it yesterday. I really snapped at him, bit his head off as he wanted to take a picture of me & Luce in the garden. It was in the old house and she’d have been 2 maybe, just wanting a photo with her mum, but I didn’t want it as I didn’t feel good about myself. 

I brought it up on the phone yesterday, I apologised. I see that how I felt about myself could be a barrier to seeing how he felt about me, about letting that in. 

The day we moved out, we hugged. He’s struggled since. I told him when I met someone, he said “you need to believe that he really loves you or you’ll do the same with him, you’ll push him away”. Even through his own hurt, he said that.